chapter 33
gentle skill building: maintaining a space
a simple plan to keep a space livable is better than an overwhelming plan to keep a space perfect. One of the easiest ways to do this is to look at one space in your home you would like to keep livable. Perhaps this is your bedroom or the kitchen. If you are a parent, you might pick a child’s room or playroom. Think of four to six tasks that, if they were done every week, would make that space very livable. For example, let’s say I look around my bedroom and decide that (1) if the cups and dishes were taken out, (2) if the sheets were changed, (3) if the laundry was thrown into the washer and started, and (4) if trash was thrown away and taken out, it would be a very livable space. You might decide to repeat some twice a week. Then decide which part of your day is most routine and add doing that one thing to your routine. Perhaps most days you get ready for work or every day at noon you put kiddos down for a nap.
Hang the list in the room so you can see it and complete your task.
When I did this to my daughter’s bedroom, I decided that if the diapers and trash were taken out of her room and her crib sheets were changed, then even if the whole day fell to shit I could still feel good about taking care of her space. This was a powerful first step for me.
cleaning schedules
The previous example is a great starting point for maintenance when you feel overwhelmed. Some people like the idea of a weekly
cleaning schedule and have the lifestyle that allows for that sort of thing each day. This is neither necessary nor superior to cleaning ad hoc or waiting until you have a large chunk of time to knock out several things—but some might prefer it. As a stay-at-home parent, I played around with the idea of a cleaning schedule—trying to do one cleaning task each day so things didn’t become overwhelming. I used one chart for the upstairs and one for the downstairs. When I began to work again, the daily tasks didn’t seem to get done anymore, so I shifted to a slightly longer list that I would do on Sunday afternoons. Regardless of how (or even if) you schedule your cleaning, I suggest writing these three “rules” down where you can see them:
1. This list is here to serve me; I do not serve this list. This
schedule is here to make my life easier, not to make it harder.
The schedule isn’t for telling me what I must do or reminding
me about what I haven’t done. The way it serves me each day
is by taking the burden of decision-making away. I don’t have to
feel as though I have to clean everything and I don’t have to
waste time analyzing which task should be prioritized. I get to
do the thing for today and then focus on other things knowing
I’ll get to the rest of it eventually.
2. Missing days is morally neutral. I can miss days or decide to
do something different anytime I want or need to. Confession: I
have never once followed through on the dusting day on my
schedule.
3. I do not have to complete the whole task. I have more than one
bathroom in my house. I don’t ever clean all of them in a day. I
simply pick the one I think needs cleaning, or the most
convenient one, or even the one I did last week because I don’t
want to spend very much time on it. I’ll get to them all
eventually and even if they are dirty some of the time if I’m
always doing something it will always look better than it was.
Most days that read “clean kitchen” I just pick a few things to
clean in the kitchen. Perhaps I wipe down the counters and
clean the microwave one week; the next week I’ll do the stove.
This approach means I always feel good that I am caring for
my space and avoid the anxiety that makes me feel as though I
am a servant to the list.
monthly tasks
For larger household maintenance, choose between six and twelve tasks (you may want some tasks to be done twice a year). Below are some suggestions. Assign each task a month. Remember, while there are a lot of suggestions out there on how often to do these things, there is no universal right way. The right way for you is anything that keeps your space functional without overwhelming you. You may be tempted to add several things to each month. If you are already in the habit of doing several things each month, then go for it. However, if you are just starting out it may be best to stick with one and see how it goes. Some items on this list may simply not matter to you and that’s okay. Some may seem like too much for you and it’s okay to skip those items. It’s better to have a low-key home care plan that you feel empowered to do than a perfect one that is left undone or adds stress to your life. Don’t forget you can always ask or pay for help with these items. Having a plan allows you to predict and prepare.
Change the AC filter
Clean out kitchen cabinets
Clean out the garage
Purge closet and donate old clothes
Purge and donate toys
Clean inside of refrigerator
Pack in or out seasonal clothes
Clean inside of garbage can
Clean gutters
what to do when you can’t get the list done
When I began a little cleaning schedule, I noticed there was an item I kept doing inconsistently or skipping altogether. I would then feel bad for not doing the whole weekly list. So I came up with a hack for ensuring the whole list would get done.
I took that item off the list. Now the whole list gets done.
“But KC!” you say. “The item you took off isn’t getting done now.”
Well, it wasn’t getting done when it was on the list either, only now I don’t feel guilty about it. It just goes back to being randomly done when I think about it and I still have a functioning closing duty list.
Leaning into the things we feel naturally motivated to do creates momentum. The momentum of turning the care cycles every day is like a car engine. It creates its own charge.8 If you keep the momentum going, you’re more likely to get the random task you took
off the list done one day anyways.
(PS: It was the dusting day.)
restock day
You know what I hate? I hate having to bring dish towels downstairs from the laundry. I hate having to replace toilet paper. I hate having to refill the upstairs diaper station. I really dislike any small and tedious task like this. But I also hate not having dish towels when I need them, or toilet paper, or diapers. I know my life is so much more functional when these little tasks are done, but I just loathe them.
They are never in the flow. I usually notice them while I’m in the middle of doing something else. When I realized it was the tiresome interruptions I hated, I compiled as many of these small restocking tasks in to one big task: Restock Day. And because I had long since quit trying to dust every Tuesday I had an opening. This put the restock into the flow. I put on some music, I get my list out, and I accomplish a task in a way that actually feels productive.
it doesn’t happen all at once
It took me over a year to get some basic systems in place that helped my house function. And I’m not done yet. Sometimes we think, “When I’m done and it’s all in order, then I’ll be able to breathe and I won’t feel this way,” but the reality is there is no finish line. And that’s a good thing. You don’t have to do better to start feeling better.
You can start a journey of creating functional systems for you while being kind to yourself. You deserve kindness regardless of how many working systems you’ve found. Even if that kindness is only coming from yourself. You can live a joyful life and be just good enough at care tasks, even if things aren’t totally functional yet. It’s a process and one that I am still in too. The key is to embrace that idea that there is no finish line of worthiness. You are worthy now. There is only increased function ahead. And it’s going to be wonderful.
8 In other words, motivation literally creates more motivation.
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